All in 4 days' work!

So many things have happened since last Saturday.
Last Saturday I visited Aunty Amy and she asked me to buy milk and toilet rolls for her. She repaid me by calling me "stupid" for buying the low-fat milk, which was more expensive, but had the longest expiry date and 99% fat free. See how ingrate she is! I took her out of hospital, bought things for her since she cannot carry anything due to her cervical operation, and she called me "stupid". We really must get rid of such unempathic, ungrateful people. She irritates me like a cat scratching a glass table, or like a baby next door crying so loudly for no apparent reason (that makes u mad does'nt it?) .
On Sunday I had toasties for lunch.Renee (Zellweger) was kind enough to invite me to badminton with Liang, Alex Liao, Chichi (who is as irritating as my Aunt and as hostile as Guan) , Janice, Rodney, Daniel, someone called Tad and Neill. Alex taught me how to serve and I played rather badly, so I need more practice. I am not aggressive enough and Daniel played aggressively.I was using one of Xiang's rackets at that time.
Upon return to College I had a mix-up with Dushyand's food. Apparently the cook saved dinner for Dush (who was working) and she saved it under his nickname, Sean, which of course caused the confusion.
I finally found the name of a piece of sheet music that has eluded me for a long time. I knew the tune of this music but I did not know the identity of its composer nor its title. Thanks to Dan playing the classics on his sound system, I finally discovered it. It is called "Marche Militaire No.1 in D" by Franz Schubert, and when played it gives the impression of someone tiptoeing up the stairs or a young woman dangling by a rope over the river Seine in Paris. It's kinda weird but these kind of weird associations exist. Some words, or works of art, or music, can cause unusual associations for some people. Eg the word "inventory" may make some think of toilet rolls, and the word "jurisprudence" may cause some to think of light or musical instrument even though that is not what the word actually meant.
I mailed the results of my B12 and Folate serum test to Irene.
On Monday I heard news that the Actuarial Studies quiz was done quite horribly.That's what comes out of studying such a melancholic, pessimistic subject that deals with probability of accident, death, illness, misadventure etc. Rumour has it that for the previous batch, only two out of hundreds of souls passed the first quiz. Thank God I dropped Actuarial Studies before the "onslaught" began.
I had my 2nd game of frisbee (ever!) in my life with Gareth. We went to the Village Green at around 9-10 and we played there. It was great! I threw quite badly at 1st but I heeded Matty G's advice to go and throw the frisbee using only my wrist, not with the whole arm. It worked and I managed to execute the desired throw, but I still throw the frisbee sideways. I need more practice until I can throw straight successfully.
Today, Tuesday, I went to see Dr Richard Shew for consultation on my results. Dr Shew decided to perform not only an endoscopy but a colonoscopy as well. Next Wednesday I have to go for the examination and stay there for about 3 -4 hours. The total cost is about $1100. Sigh. But some can be reclaimed via Medibank Private Overseas Student Health Cover.
I received my Uni tuition fees overpayment refund and I have managed to deposit it in the bank. I also managed to withdraw $52 and pay the cheque to SDS Pathology for having carried out the B12 and Folate serum test. I expect the bill for the SDS test on my blood (which discovered the Coeliac Disease) anytime soon.
I feel quite frustrated. Why do I have to have mitral valve prolapse, occipital neuralgia, coeliac disease, scoliosis, social anxiety, inverted cerebral narcissism and emotional immaturity? Sickening indeed.

Saturday 27 August 2005

Had quite a rude shock when the GP told me the results of the blood test. I am suspected of having Coeliac Disease, which means that I cannot eat wheat, rye, barley or oats anymore since they contain gluten. Any more gluten will lead to further damage of the small intestines. I now have to do a jejunal biopsy to confirm whether I had the disease. Hopefully the results are in error and maybe I had an adverse reaction to infected/dirty flour, which may produce “false coeliac disease” or whatever. I was quite distraught as I now had to contend with 3 diseases- mitral valve prolapse, occipital neuralgia and coeliac disease. Indeed, God has been merciless to me. He is more like an ever angry Zeus-like spirit with a thunderbolt ready to hurl at anyone who crosses Him. It is quite sickening to worship this kind of God who does not seem to show any concern for His creation’s health and well-being. What an impersonal God Christianity has!
I refunded my overpaid uni fees and I am waiting for the cheque soon. I bought a frisbee from Matty G and was also invited to his imminent birthday party.
Did my first financial statement analysis as part of my accounting preparation/ homework. Quite interesting.
I also discovered that many people in the group like theoretical physics.
The word “arbitrary” seems to be a favourite word used by the Maths faculty and maybe the entire university as a whole. It means “subject to individual judgment”, “does not belong to any law” or “selected at random”.
The funny thing about some people is that they laugh at jokes/acts that do not seem to be funny at all. I was quite amused that during Calculus lecture, there was a lame joke which nearly shook the lecture hall. The lecturer was distributing computing test practice sheets, and one of the students came in late. So the lecturer said, “Here’s your gift-there’s $5 in it.” To my amusement and astonishment, everyone laughed. God it is such a lame joke! The funny thing is that these people are laughing even though the joke is lame-the joke’s really on them!
A similar thing happened during the economics lecture, and everyone laughed even though I don’t find the joke funny at all. So my friend and I played along and we feigned laughter. It really is so funny!
This reminds me of some comedies like “The Black Adder” and “Mr Bean” which involve lots of dry, lame jokes with the occasional background laughing at Mr Bean’s clumsiness. This is outright ridiculous and funny all right! People laughing even though it is not funny!
The College organised a toga night at the Sam Cracknell Pavilion, and those who would like to come must be dressed in makeshift togas out of bed sheets, cloths, etc.
I am still undecided on my 2nd major apart in addition to Financial Economics. Should I do Finance or Business Strategy and Economic Management? Dan said I’m quite good in organisation...but sometimes I wonder if I could cope as the competition is quite intense and I am deficient in interpersonal communication skills. It’s all God’s fault...let Him undo the damage He had done after all He created me in the 1st place! >P

Sheer Agony

The facial neuralgia today was so painful I had to cease work and rest for hours. I was quite mad at God and full of hate and resentment towards Him. I feel so tremendously frustrated I feel like killing all the doctors who misdiagnosed me and prolonged my suffering. They have allowed me to be imprisoned like a caged bird and may they be damned for all eternity in the flames of Hell!
I am so enraged that people don't empathise with me. My Aunt here in Sydney is so bloody insensitive. Let her suffer more pain after her operation.
I am very furious and angry.
By the way I met two Mormons in uniform trying to spread their nonsensical propaganda. That was last Friday, when I was collecting my clothes from the dry cleaners for the New College Ball. I am so sick of cults...

Exhilarating and tiring weekend

What a tiring weekend. Yesterday (Friday) , I went to the New College Ball. It was AMAZING, SUPERB AND WONDERFUL. The ball was held at a spot underneath the Harbour Bridge and with Darling Harbour as a sort of romantic backdrop. I made a big step in the evolution of my social self, and I even danced! Woohoo! I chatted with Matt Grosvenor and discovered some things about him I never knew of before, and learnt that after eating, it is part of the etiquette to put knife and fork together on the empty plate. We had cajun chicken, salmon and steak for dinner. There was a discussion of musical instruments and Hugh then asked everyone about something called Esperanto, an international language invented by someone called Zamenhof. We then toasted our drinks together, to "live in peace and happiness" or something like it.Then it's dancing and I danced so hard till I sweated and "looked very dishevelled" according to Irish and Dan. Alana Foster was kind enough to teach me some dance moves and I was quite happy to have learnt from her. I later danced with Dushyand and Yun-Ann and Jacky and Matt. Then I tried dancing with Sarah Zardawi but being a beginner, I could not synchronise my moves with hers so I felt a bit disappointed in this area.
Later we had a group photo, but deep inside I suddenly felt a bit depressed. I would very much like to dance with a close friend, a girl who can synchronise with my every move. Besides, I need to improve my self-confidence and wield authority over the partner. I downed many glasses of water, but did not touch drink. I also signed my name in the guestbook. Some of the guys, being the gentlemen they were, covered their partners with their jackets/overcoats to shield from the cold winds.
After dinner, some of us went for the ball after party at Pancakes on the Rocks. Almost everyone ordered pancakes and ice cream, and I ordered a chocolate milkshake and some potato wedges. Then I had a chat with Chris Rowe, Beck and Janice and I found out a lot of things about them. It is really amazing as compared to me in Session One, when I was rather more antisocial and reclusive, burying my head in the books. It is in accordance with my Session 2 resolution to make more friends and socialise more, both in Uni and in New College, and I am determined to achieve my goal.
I returned to college at about 2 am and I was so exhausted. Oddly, Dushyand, being drunk, fell asleep on the bus and missed his stop.It took him another two hours to get back to New College, and everyone tried to shift the blame. Apparently he told Gareth to wake him up, but Gareth seemed to have forgot and...need I say more? ;)
I slept soundly and the next day (today, Saturday) at 2 pm we went for a group outing at Coogee Beach, eating some ice cream at Gelatissimo along the way.Matt Grosvenor went along too and we played frisbee (though I played only briefly) and to take a group photo, we stacked up as a pyramid and it was quite awful XP... but overall it turned up well.
And as soon as we returned, I had to rush off quickly to Chinatown's Sichuan Hotpot with Guan, Lincoln, Jacky, Yun-Ann, Liang, Newton and Xiang. I was introduced to Michael, Joanne and an ex-New Collegian called Mark Pinese (of Italian descent) and we had a long chat. We had hotpot (steamboat) for dinner, and it was absolutely sumptuous and wonderful. I gobbled up lamb meat, chicken, tofu, veges, fishballs and had a bite of something that looked like chocolate (liver). The dinner cost $235 in all and it was worth it. After dinner we then went to Gelatissimo (again!) and I bought a chocolate shake to drink. We then headed home.
It is certainly an exciting and wonderful weekend at the expense of my studies. I have not studied for days (maybe the whole week) ! But socially, I have made a "Great Leap Forward" and I consider it the "Renaissance in my social life history".
I am thankful that this has turned out fine, and I hoped that God will continue to help me grow socially, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Untangling the knots

So many things happened for the past few days. Yesterday I went to see Laurie, the Equity and Diversity Officer, to inform her of my facial neuralgia. I was quite surprised because ironically, she is on a wheelchair. Laurie apparently doubted my story at first, and she seems to be hinting that I forged the doctor's documents and that I lied about everything.I feel quite depressed. How many more unempathic people do I have to meet before I die?
However, after calling UNSW Counselling, Laurie finally believed me and she made provisions to inform the other schools about my disability.
I did the Calculus test yesterday on integration techniques and reduction formula. Honestly, that was the easiest paper I have done so far for Calculus. Looks like I can make a conquest in that area...
Was lectured on complex numbers and their relation to dynamic systems, and for Calculus we started on ordinary differential equations.
I just finished my first accounting quiz for this session, and it involved constructing the cash flow statement using direct and indirect methods. Quite an easy paper. Then it's postering all over the uni to advertise for the talk CASE is going to give on Jesus, Women and the Da Vinci Code, plus one on Freedom from Religion. Then I rushed to the Quad to get my B12 results. The test results indicated normal levels of B12 and Folic Acid serum. Which complicates things further because I am still unable to determine what is causing my debilitating headaches.
To my great relief and happiness, the evil practice of basining is finally banned in New College after causing tremendous psychological damage and social stigma and harrassment to its many silent victims, and I am no exception. Finally, peace and prosperity after so much uncertainty, anxiety and insecurity...
The way in which this world works is quite odd and silly and unfair at times. Firms worldwide have retained earnings and cash reserves that are worth billions of dollars, and many African and Latin American countries remain in abject poverty. Why? I still don't understand why the high society spends millions of dollars on assets that they seldom use, like yachts, summer house, private jets, etc yet the average Third World person can barely eat three meals a day. Technology is advancing very rapidly, yet millions remain uneducated, hungry and sick. This is very, very absurd indeed. Billions of dollars are spent on useless spacecraft that malfunction, yet the benefits they bring to humanity are as useful as garbage. There are thousands of sci-fi fans out there, yes, but there are 2-3 billion souls who urgently need the money that is wasted on building spacecraft. Why take off into space when we can't even solve our own global domestic problems?
The worse, ridiculous and most stupid nonsense I've ever encountered is the Y2K bug hype. So much panic, money wasted on insurance, etc to prevent the coms from crashing. It's ridiculous that there is so much speculation and anxiety on something that did not really happen. Of course, computer consultants can laugh all their way to the bank.
This is a weird, evil and cruel world. Jesus Christ is coming. Amen.

The Decision

It is a difficult decision to make, but after much consideration, I decided to drop ACTL1001 and do just 3 subjects instead. The headache, classified as a learning disability, has tormented me so much I feel a huge burden lifted off me once I jettisoned ACTL1001. I have a hard time comprehending the lectures and I think it is highly likely I will do Financial Economics instead, in order to become a Financial Analyst.
I spoke to Bindya Subba, the Actuarial admin assistant, today. She was quite helpful and she even pointed me in the direction of the Equity and Diversity Unit to help me cope with my disability.I thank God that there are such understanding people around after so many months of torment, frustration and mental imprisonment.
I emailed Diane Enahoro, the Macroeconomics lecturer, about my condition and will see her next week to discuss my problem. I will be seeing Laurie, the Equity and Diversity Disabilities Officer next Monday, collect my test results for B12 and Folic Acid deficiency on Tuesday, and see Shireen for Counselling and an MC certifying the psychological trauma I have been through because of this headache. Thank God I have met such wonderful people like them.
The will of God for my life is probably to strengthen me, and make me depend on Him for sustenance. I have already endured peer rejection, scoliosis, failure of one subject, mitral valve prolapse and this chronic headache, and I will emerge stronger and will overcome the evil one, according to the book of 1 John.
What's the point of being an Actuary, yet deep inside your heart you have no interest for the subject? I'd rather be a fund manager or a financial risk analyst than to be an unhappy Actuary.
The next major task is to achieve unity and reconciliation with God by getting baptised. Only then will I wash my sins away and be united to Jesus Christ by the Holy Spirit once I identify with His death and Resurrection. I want to achieve spiritual perfection. Only then will I lose the desire to be better than other people, and all my sinful desires will be destroyed. No more perfectionism, selfishness, self-centredness, covetousness and envy. Amen.

"The Great Schism"

I was rudely awakened by the fire drill at about 7 a.m. today. So annoying. I did not want to go and assemble but I had no other choice. The morning weather today is beastly cold.
The headache today was especially debilitating to the extent that during the ACTL1001 lecture, I was in sheer agony, torment and on the verge of insanity. I still think that I have a damaged trigeminal nerve which misfires and produces these unusual variety of symptoms. Unable to concentrate, and overwhelmed by the intimidating content in the lecture notes, I made a bold decision: To discontinue my entire course.
I skipped the Algebra Tutorial and went back for a lunch of chicken parmigiana and mashed potato. I then went to do a Vitamin B12 and Folic Acid test. Only then will I find out if I had Vitamin B12 deficiency.
I then decided not to discontinue my course, but to drop ACTL1001. I don't want to do Actuarial Studies anymore. With all the mortality tables, probability of death, accident, sickness, etc, all these gloomy stuff is enough to put me off. I am sick of it.I am not cut out to be an Actuary. I'll go for some Finance related major instead. We will only choose our majors in the 2nd year. What's the point of stressing out now?
Anyway, the Valerian Root Extract does not seem to be helping much.I called Irene and she gave the green light for me to take B12 supplements. I feel fortunate to have met her, Shireen, Dr Vickers and all the support group ppl for TN.
I will see Bindya tomorrow and dispose of ACTL1001 once and for all. And I will see other UNSW authority to inform them of my condition. I cannot be under Special Consideration, but be classified as a disabled person with a chronic medical condition.
I pray God that He will bind and crush Satan and set me free from the bonds of infirmity. I am so frustrated, bottled up with anger and I feel so hopeless. Words and tears and deeds cannot convey the ordeal I am going through. I feel so angry at God, my family and myself.
I hope I will be delivered from this pain by the end of the year.
And then, at about 11 p.m. there was another fire drill again...sigh.

Tuesday 9th August

It is quite a tormenting week for me. The acocunting tutorial was a nightmare.I did not finish my accounting tutorial question because of my headache. The headache is so debilitating that I feel like commiting suicide. Why me?
Anyway, to make matters worse Shireen did not turn up today because she was ill. Sigh. I feel quite lost w/o professional counselling.
But on the bright side, today someone from Dr Vickers' private clinic called up and told me there is an available appointment tomorrow for consultation and Pain Management. I feel quite confused now as I have suffered for a very long time and seen so many doctors and none of them can cure me.I want to ask God, why God, why do I have to suffer like this?
Apparently this is a spiritual conflict of titanic proportions. The devil and God struggle to gain my soul and I feel quite sick inside. I feel quite tempted to sin and I was so mad at God I sinned against Him and blasphemed. I wish God would understand how much suffering I have to endure as this headache is too much for me. There is no relief. I just hope that Dr Vickers will prescribe some drugs tomorrow that might help reduce the pain and I pray that God will give me my life back after having been virtually dead for so long. Tears and words cannot convey the suffering and torment I have suffered for one year eight months.
Anyway,I met new people as part of my Session 2 resolution. Three of them are from my course-I met Shirley, who is majoring in Actuarial Studies and International Business, someone called Wang Chengyu from China, and Dennis from Shanghai. All three have at least a credit grade in MATH1151. I really need to interact with them more to improve my Maths grades. And it is a counter defence against my rival's enormous social network.
My ECON1102 tutor is someone called David Forrester who is currently doing his PhD in Economics. He had worked in S'pore before but was fed up with the 70 hour weeks, so he returned to UNSW to learn new things and get a job as a tutor. Apparently he also worked in one of the major Australian banks before his Singapore tenure. He is a milder version of a cross between Mr Koh (my high school discipline master) and Mr Goy (my high school Geography teacher) combined, and knew some of the S'pore slang.
Anyway, I am quite confident that I will make huge profits this Session for Macroeconomics and possibly Accounting 1B and MATH1251, assuming that the headache issue is resolved. And thank God, I can get Special Consideration with the help of Shireen and Dr Vickers. Finally after so long, I am finally going to be liberated. Salvation has come to the house of Sean.
I have even made an academic result analysis and calculated the times I should spend studying for each subject. Apparently I have overstudied for Accounting last Session, so my performance is not good and therefore there's diseconomies of scale due to overstretched mental capacity.
I need to spend more time with MATH1251 and ACTL1001.
I hope God's will for me this Session will be done accordingly. I need to reconcile with Him too after all I have been through.

6-8-2005

Today I went to Toongabbie and met up with the support group. Irene recommended me to see someone called Dr Vickers who specialises in pain management. I am finally going to resolve this headache issue and conquer this nuisance once and for all. I have waited for one year eight months and I am quite frustrated with seeing so many doctors already.
I met Jin, a Korean, and she's an exchange student studying Biology. She is a good weapon of defence against Guan. I met Alex Law, who now occupies what was previously Tim's room, and Leanne who is now living in my ensuite room. I met a Malaysian nicknamed "J" who studies Actuarial Studies, and someone else called Joy in my course. I saw Ka Mei once again after so many months, and I met Kate, Liang, Chi-Chi, Matthew, Matt and another Sean, and Bobby, an exchange student from the US who has hearing disabilities, Shireen, who is the counselor with TN, and met Damien again. I would like to know more frenz...

Self Analysis & Evaluation

Fancy having to blog at such an unearthly hour!
This article is very personal.
I did an analysis of myself, and I imagined myself in the shoes of people who know me. In this unusual perspective, I discovered some things about myself that I was not even aware of.
The following is a summary of how I perceive myself. You may disagree with what I write, but I have tried to be as critical as possible.
First, the major imperfections:
I am rather neurotic, as evidenced by my redundant insinuations that may irritate some people. I am rather self-centred and querulous, which makes people shun me. I have a melancholy mindset in addition to an inferiority complex, which produced the perfectionism in me. Others perceive me as weak-willed because of my broken psyche. I'm a compulsive worrier with religious scrupulosity.
My strengths are:
I am quite well organised, always setting goals for myself. I am quite eager to learn new things and improve myself through reform. Better still, I am mentally strong and can persevere in spite of adversity.I had endured many disappointments and pains in life. I have endured peer rejection, academic failure which nearly led to my suicide, mitral valve prolapse and trigeminal neuralgia. In the process I made one giant step towards evolution of the self, emerging stronger. I may not appear to be physically fit and athletic, but I am far mentally stronger than most guys I know of who may appear strong outwardly but are not really strong inwardly.
If God wants to make a modern Apostle John+Peter+Paul of me, I will willingly accept it. He who is willing to accept it, let him accept it.
I need a change of heart. I would want God to transform me into a more positive person with a simple heart, not to concerned with profound matters, and content and satisfied with riches in Christ. I want to be born again, and be so different than before that gone are all the melancholy, scupulosity, self-centredness, inferiority complex and perfectionism. I hope this will be done...

UNSW Foundation Day

Much have occured this week.Missed my 1st Calculus tut. Went for ACCT1511 tut, tutor was someone called Shrutika. Then on the same day (which was Tuesday the 2nd) I went to UNSW Counselling to seek help with my problems like social anxiety, perfectionism and unexpectedly, trigeminal neuralgia. The counselling service is free and the counsellor, by coincidence, happened to be a sufferer of TN as well! I was quite astonished as the probability that I meet a fellow sufferer with TN is very low, since TN is quite rare. She gave me a lot of advice regarding TN and would help me apply for Special Consideration since my headache might affect my studies. She herself went for 20 injections and also went through the same things I had suffered. She suggested I go for Pain Management at any hospital (I passed one at St George's Public) and was quite empathic and understanding of my suffering. I felt a huge load lifted off me now that I have met someone who had the same condition.
That afternoon I also went for a skills workshop to help me read critically and effectively. It radically changed my perception regarding reading, and offered new insights on the learning process. The good thing about UNSW is that it offers a variety of services for free, thank God!
Many people know about my trigeminal neuralgia and are offering me support, from family to friends to church to outsiders. I thank God for finally allowing me to see light at the end of the dark tunnel after enduring this agonising pain for a long time-now around one year and eight months.
Yesterday I had my Actuarial tut. Quite boring. Today I had Algebra tut. Quite exciting. The tutor is Dennis Trenerry and he's quite approachable as compared to the intimidating Mike Hirshhorn. I also had a 2 hour lecture today on Games of Chance
This Session is more challenging and I have to learn how to deal with people, adversity and my own personal imperfections. It's time for a major Reformation after so many years in the Middle Ages. My life corresponds to world history as follows:
Age Corresponding period
1-5 Early civilisations
6 Hellenism
7-11 Dark Ages
12 Height of Roman Empire under Emperor Trajan
13-15 Middle Ages (Papal Corruption)
16 Hundred Years War
17 Renaissance & Reformation
18-onwards Age of Exploration,Voyages of Discovery and Radical Reformation

The Dark Ages and the Middle Ages are the most depraved periods as I was socially very inept, and suffered at the hands of bullies, peers who were mostly of Catholic background (and hence the term "papal corruption").
The Hundred Years War occured during the major GCE O Level Exams, during which competed with my peers for academic supremacy. The year 2003 seemed so long, so the Hundred Years War is fitting for describing that year. I lost the war but the losses were recuperated during the Renaissance and Age of Exploration.
18 onwards is a journey of discovery as I enter university and learn independently and develop critical thinking and analytical skills. I start to challenge myself and transcend new boundaries, making new discoveries in the process.
I would very much like to develop and achieve spiritual perfection, and become socially adept, and refine and change myself to become more mature. I would also like to deal with my imperfections.
That's all for now.I will be seeing the TN support group on Saturday.Hope it goes well...